


12 Days of ShepShepMas

by ladyamesindy



Series: ShepShep - John and Jane  Shepard [10]
Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Christmas, Depression, F/M, Fluff, Grief, Holidays, Pregnancy, Rebuilt Relationship, Strained Relationship, pregnancy loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2020-01-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 01:55:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 12,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21949462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladyamesindy/pseuds/ladyamesindy
Summary: 12 Days of ShepShepMas - or, Twelve Christmases John and Jane did and didn't spend together.
Relationships: Female Shepard/Male Shepard (Mass Effect)
Series: ShepShep - John and Jane  Shepard [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/116749
Comments: 7
Kudos: 9





	1. On the First Day ...

**Author's Note:**

> This is a little something that struck me in the past few days and I've been frantically trying to get sorted to post on time! Officially, the 12 days of Christmas run from December 25 through January 5; I should hopefully keep to that posting timeline. If I don't (because I will be traveling over some of it), I will post ASAP when opportunity presents.
> 
> In the meantime, thank you to all who have and continue to follow the adventure that is ShepShep! Your interest and support helps keep these two active in my imagination!
> 
> Merry Christmas to those of you who celebrate! Happy Holidays and Happy Winter to those who do not! Again, thank you for reading and for taking part in this storytelling journey! I wish you all the very best in the year to come!

_SSV Einstein, 2169_

“John, what are you doing?”

A soft huff of air puffed next to Jane’s ear from behind; the sound of disappointment. “How did you know it was me?”

Snickering softly, she lifted her hands to pry his fingers away from where they covered her eyes. She spun around to face him, an amused smile curving at her lips as she did so. “Your hands,” she replied, nodding at them as he pulled them back. When he frowned, she clarified, “I can smell the oil on them.”

He sighed heavily, his eyes rolling even as his lips curved downward in a pout. “I was trying to surprise you.”

Chuckling softly, she combed her fingers through her hair then adjusted the green band she was using to hold it back from her face. “Just because I recognized it was you doesn’t mean you didn’t surprise me, you know.” 

The pout didn’t fade, but he noticeably relaxed. Shifting on his feet, he met her with a lopsided smile. “I brought you your gift.”

This time, Jane frowned. In a stern and slightly irritated voice, she replied, “I thought we weren’t getting each other gifts this year? In fact, you specifically stated –.”

He shook his head. “I said you didn’t need to get me anything,” he countered. “I never said anything about not getting you a gift.” Clearly delighted at her reaction, he winked and lifted his left arm, pressing a button on his omni-tool. 

Jane recognized the move; it meant he was transferring a program for her omni-tool. They’d known each other for months now, and this wasn’t the first time he’d done that. “You lied to me,” she muttered even as she moved to accept the download.

“I did not,” he argued, his smile giving way to a full grin. “I was very specific.”

A soft beep from her ‘tool signaled the transfer was complete. Sighing, she opened the device and quickly set the program to installing. If he followed previous procedure, he wouldn’t leave until he’d seen it himself. “So,” she muttered in irritation, “what is it? The latest ‘Blasto vs. the rest of the galaxy’ game?”

“Nope,” he replied with a smug laugh.

Within seconds, she was pinged again as it finished. When she didn’t immediately move to open it, he nudged her shoulder with his. “Come on.”

With a dramatic sigh, she did just that … and gasped softly at the image that rose up before her. “That … That’s Janetta!” she whispered, her eyes flying up to his. “How did you … _where_ did you get this?”

“Lina,” he replied simply. “She agreed to do it if I’d help her fix her console.” Their mutual friend and fellow classmate aboard the _Einstein_ had the worst of luck with her technological equipment.

Jane’s eyes dropped back to the artistic image, staring at it in wonder. Janetta was her turian saboteur in their weekly RPG game with their friends. John was careful to never take sides with any of them since he was their GM, but she didn’t figure he’d asked Lina to do artwork of _their_ characters as Christmas presents for them. 

“I take it you like it?”

Jane inhaled slowly and nodded. “I do, thank you,” she managed in a rough whisper. Closing the device, she faced him again. “But I didn’t get you –.”

Quickly, John shook his head. “You don’t have to,” he insisted. Then he grinned again. “Besides, I’m the GM. I have too many characters to choose from!”

Jane smiled as he laughed, but she closed the distance between them and leaned up to kiss his cheek. “Thank you,” she reiterated. “It means a lot.”

He gasped softly in surprise and pulled back a step, but he didn’t push her away. Though his cheeks reddened, he wrapped an arm around her and gave her an awkward hug. “Merry Christmas, McIntyre.”

Leaning into the hug, she murmured back, “Merry Christmas, Shepard.” 


	2. On the Second Day ...

_London, England, Earth 2171_

Eyes straight ahead, back to the wall, Jane sat on the floor, threadbare blanket barely covering her thin shoulders. Her her focus wasn’t so much on the activity around her in that small dingy room as it was just simply staring through the other members of the _10 th Street Reds._ Here, Christmas wasn’t any different than any other day of the week, and Vanek and the others were busily planning their next raid. Her part in the process was complete; she’d done all she could to fix up their omni-tools, but for whatever reason, Vanek liked to keep her nearby during planning sessions. _Just in case,_ he always said, but he rarely ever called over to her. Most times, Jane didn’t mind sticking around. Mattie was present, so she felt safe enough in presence of the others. He’d made it clear from the beginning, no one was to mess with Li’l Sis; and she was grateful for that. It certainly made life around the _Reds_ easier for her. 

Christmas, however, was a different story.

A chill burst into the room quickly as the door opened and she shivered almost violently beneath the blanket. Instinctually, she hunched over, her hands caught the edges of the blanket as she pulled it as close as possible, but she could not escape the biting, bone-jarring cold. She was only vaguely aware as Millston and Chavez entered the room anyway; her eyes on the past, not the present.

_“Merry Christmas, Jane-bug!”_

_Red-headed pigtails bounced around Jane’s shoulders as she stared up at her father. Two pairs of green eyes met one another, both wide with excitement, as he brought a small wrapped package around from behind his back. Though she was only eight, they had an established tradition for the holidays; he always saved one very special gift for her until the very end. Clapping her hands together in excitement, she asked, “What is it?”_

_Steven McIntyre laughed, darting a quick look over at his wife who stood to his right. He winked over at her as he set the gift in his daughter’s hands replying, “It’s something very, very special, but you have to open it to find out what it is.”_

_With child-like abandon, Jane tore through the paper and ribbons. This was the easy part; finding the surprise inside was always more of a challenge. Her father liked to wrap boxes within boxes several times over, thus keeping the size and shape of the gift a secret from her until the very end. One year it was a plushie Blasto. Another it was a book about the Milky Way. This year proved no different from the rest, and Jane giggled with each box that fell to the wayside. Five boxes later, she finally reached her goal, lifting the silver chain with the N7 pendant attached. “I can be N7 too?” she asked, casting him a hopeful glance. “Just like you?”_

_Chuckling heartily, the elder McIntyre reached and clasped the chain around her neck. “Maybe someday,” he replied. “Even I haven’t made it that far yet, remember. But if you decide to make the Alliance your home, then yes, you’ll have a chance to try for it too.”_

_Throwing her arms around his neck, she giggled when he lifted her into his arms, turning so that her mother could see the necklace. “See, Mama?”_

_“I see,” Sarah replied with a smile. Then with another laugh and a tweak of Jane’s cheek, she added, “I also see that I may now have to hide my secrets for Christmas dinner …!”_

Jane was yanked back into the present by the weight of a heavy hand at her shoulder. Dread filled her like a lump of heavy coal as she realized that was the last Christmas she and her parents had spent together as a family. Two months later, Steven was gone.

Drawing in a deep breath, she shuddered and glanced up to find Mattie looking at her with some concern. “Come on, Li’l Sis,” he murmured, extending his hand to help her up. “Meeting’s over.”

They exited the room together, and Jane found some, if small, comfort in Mattie’s hulking bulk of a presence. She knew him to be one of the higher ranking _10 th Street Reds, _but he was always a gentle giant with her. Leading her through the building, Jane expected they were heading toward their rooms, but he surprised her and led her up to the roof instead. Holding the door for her, he said, “I want to show you something.”

Another gust of air, this time propelled by the breeze outside, surrounded her and Jane tugged the blanket closer. It did little good and she shivered beneath it, but she followed him outside. Before her, she found the skies over London darkened with an approaching storm, but for the moment, the snow fell gently. Another gust of wind blew by, guiding the few surviving flakes across their path in a twisty, winding, wispy way that seemed to defy any sense of logic. Attention caught by the display, Jane was momentarily entranced.

“Over here.”

Startled from her reverie, she turned to find Mattie in the far corner standing next to a small enclosure. Inside, she caught a pair of bright eyes moving in the shadows. “Wh-what is it?” she breathed, her steps hesitating slightly.

Mattie chuckled and waited patiently for her to join him. “He found me on patrol last night.”

Jane’s eyes never left the pair inside the enclosure, but she noticed a form taking shape around the glow as she moved to stand beside Mattie. _A dog!_ “Oh!” Inside the barrier stood a puppy; clearly a mixed breed, and nearly an adult in size but still with the long, gangly, spindly legs indicating its youth. It bounced around awkwardly in the space, clearly excited to see the both of them. 

Chuckling, Mattie explained, “He followed me back. I’d keep him downstairs, but Vanek doesn’t want him underfoot. Not until he’s bigger and is trained.” His gaze shifted to hers, a smile at his lips. “He needs a name.”

Jane blinked. “But … he’s your dog!” she protested. “Why ask me?”

“’Cause you’re my Li’l Sis,” he reasoned. Reaching a hand out to her, he ruffled her hair affectionately. “Who else would I ask?”

They’d known each other for weeks, a little over three months now. She didn’t understand how they could have become so close during that time, but there was no avoiding the truth. And she wasn’t about to argue it. Without him, she likely would still be on the streets of London, wandering aimlessly. He was her ‘family’ now, if not by blood by choice.

“I … Okay.” Crouching down in front of the barrier, she tilted her head to the side and eyed the creature for a long moment. She’d heard the term _puppy dog eyes_ before, of course. John was the only one who had ever been successful with her using them, and that gave her an idea. 

The pup approached the edge of the barrier and cocked his head to the same side she did hers, ears flopping wildly as it did so. Jane laughed; her decision made. “Shep,” she murmured, for the first time since joining the _Reds_ a full-fledged smile curving at her lips and reaching her eyes. Looking up at Mattie, she grinned. “Call him Shep.” _If John can’t be here in person, at least he will be in spirit._

Mattie nodded, grinning back at her as he patted her shoulder. “Shep it is,” he agreed. “Think you can help me out with him? After all, pets are best when they’re shared.”

“I …” Shocked by the offer, and just a tad worried because she’d never had anything larger than a goldfish before, she nodded. “Sure, Mattie. I can help.”

“Good.” Mattie reached over to unlatch the door and allow Shep to bound out. The animal, ecstatic to be free to greet the new person, hopped and bounded around them. He pressed his muzzle to Jane’s hand, yipping his approval a moment later …


	3. On the Third Day ...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will be on the road and flying later today, so I'm posting this a tad earlier than usual. Enjoy!

_SSV Einstein, Terminus Systems 2171_

Door to his room closed, John moved around the small space with quick, efficient movements. Christmas was nearly over. Normally it was a holiday that he enjoyed. But this year it was difficult without his best friend nearby, and even more of a challenge with the knowledge Jane had up and disappeared. For weeks now, he’d been planning and plotting. Researching and reconnoitering. _Fourteen weeks, four days since I last heard from Jane._ Concern wasn’t an understatement at this point. But there’d been little he could do while his parents’ ship was deployed.

But in just a matter of hours, the _Einstein_ would reach port; shore leave was about to commence, and John would _finally_ have the opportunity to actively do something.

Agony didn’t begin to describe his time spent waiting, but he hadn’t wasted it. His bag contained several changes of clothing and assorted other gear he might need to carry out his plan. His omni-tool, the newest and most advanced model available, was a Christmas gift from his parents. Immediately once he had time to himself, he’d uploaded the maps, remote access to his finances, and other assorted information he’d collected over the weeks while trying to not go crazy. He was as prepared for this mission as he could be; the _Einstein_ only had to dock so he could find a transport heading back to Earth.

He sat on the edge of his bed, taking inventory of everything he had packed one last time when he heard footsteps approach outside his room. Instinct had him tossing his bag over near his desk, it’s usual resting spot, and kicking his legs up onto the bed in a more relaxed pose. He just managed to open a game program on his omni-tool as his father opened the door. Glancing up at him in what John hoped was a casual manner, he said, “Hey, Dad.”

Thomas Shepard smiled and leaned against the doorframe. Nodding at the omni-tool, he said, “I hope that means your Mom and I guessed right on your gift?”

The grin John gave his father was genuine enough, and he nodded. “You did.” He ignored the twinge of guilt already plaguing him for what he knew was to come. “This’ll make all the difference in the world.”

Thomas’ dark eyes critically regarded his son for a long moment. “I know you miss her, John,” he said, “and I know you would like to help her, but –.”

Swallowing tightly, John shook his head. Biting back a grimace, he thought, _Way to go, Dad. Dig that guilt in deep_. He didn’t blame his father; not really. But he was seventeen, almost eighteen. He could _do_ this. “It’s … okay,” he finally managed. “She’ll get in touch with me sooner or later.”

Straightening, Thomas nodded. “She’s a lot like her Mom, you know.”

John snorted softly. “How so?”

The smile on Thomas’ face widened. “Stubborn. Independent. Determined.” The smile widened into a grin. “You could do far worse for a friend ….”

Thomas started to turn away, but before he broke eye contact, John noticed something else in his gaze. A look that suggested Thomas understood far more than he was willing to admit; even more than John knew in that moment. A sudden case of nerves unsettled him and he jumped quickly to his feet. “Dad …?”

Thomas paused, keeping his gaze on his son. “Are you ready for that kind of a challenge, son?” 

For the year and a half they’d been aboard the _Einstein_ together, John considered Jane a friend. His _best_ friend. Had his Dad seen more to between them? Strangely enough, the idea wasn’t all that difficult for John accept. _Is that why I feel this driving need to go after her now? To make sure she’s okay?_

Thomas reached out and patted John’s shoulder. “Merry Christmas, son,” he murmured, then turned and left the room.

The door closed with a soft whoosh, and John was left standing alone in the middle of the space. After several minutes of staring after his father’s retreating figure, John grabbed his duffle and set it back on his bed. As he triple-checked everything, he heard the ship-wide announcement that they were approaching port. Gathering his things, he slipped out of his room and carefully made his way through their quarters. His mother would be on duty up in the CIC, but thankfully he didn’t have to go in that direction to disembark. By the time his parents realized he was missing, he hopefully would be on an Earth-bound shuttle. 

In the main corridor, he noticed a slight uptick in the usual congestion. No one, however, seemed interested or in the least bit curious about a teen standing there with his jacket and duffle in hand, clearly prepared to leave the ship. Eyeing his path that would lead to the docking tubes, turned back towards his parents’ quarters one last time and murmured, “Merry Christmas, Dad.”


	4. On the Fourth Day ...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Made it home, though it was a loooooong day of travel. Here's the latest installment. Enjoy!

_Officer Candidate School, Earth 2172_

“So, I was thinking ….”

Seated at her desk, Jane lifted her head to glance over at John. He lay on the bunk, eyes focused on his books, but it was clear his thoughts were anywhere but on the text. A small smirk lifted at the corner of her lips. “Haven’t you figured out yet that’s inherently dangerous?” she asked, her tone as dry as the Saharan desert air.

He snorted a soft laugh, his blue gaze lifting to meet hers. “Oh, I see how it is, Lieutenant Sassy Pants.”

Her smirk widened into a full-fledged grin, but she said nothing.

“Anyway.” He closed the textbook and sat up, turning so his legs dropped over the edge of the bed. He pulled his hands together in his lap as he watched her. “Since we’re stuck here for the holidays, I was thinking we could do something fun to celebrate.”

Jane blinked, startled. Her eyes drifted to her omni-tool. With a press of a button, she realized Christmas was only a couple of days away. “Umm ….” Her mouth went dry and she would not meet his gaze. He knew well and good her feelings on the season. She tried to find joy in it because they were back together again this year, but her past stubbornly held its ground.

“We can’t go see Mom and Dad,” he reasoned gently, his eyes still intent upon her, “but Collins mentioned there’ll be a midnight service in town.”

Jane pulled her lower lip between her teeth and bit hard to keep from groaning aloud. She knew she’d failed miserably when she felt his hands at her shoulders, squeezing gently. “John, I …” She opened her eyes and looked up at him. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

Crouching beside her brought him eye level with her so he could reach out and brush a few strands of copper hair away from her face, tucking it behind one ear. It was a familiar gesture, one that had started years before with their friendship. “Why not?”

She drew in a sharp but soft breath at the challenge. Normally, he respected her reluctance to partake in the holidays. He’d known her mother, understood the toll of that loss. Searching his eyes, she desperately sought a reason for him pushing her now. Last year she’d been alone in London, on her own, struggling to survive. This year … 

“It hurts too much,” she managed to whisper after a long, drawn-out silence. She blinked back quick tears but did not pull her gaze from his. “And besides … I’m hardly the religious type …” It was difficult for her to believe in something like that when her world had been yanked out from under her so thoroughly ever since she was a child. It made no sense.

John smiled gently and nodded before countering, “Neither am I, but that’s beside the point. We’ll be together this year, like we used to.”

She shook her head, not so much a denial as it was a disagreement to his statement. “Can’t we just do that here?”

He lowered his hand to catch one of hers. As his larger hand wrapped around hers, his thumb moving to stroke the backs of her knuckles in a soothing gesture, she stared at it. “As corny as it sounds,” he murmured, “it might also help you feel closer to your family.”

Gasping softly, her head jerked up, her eyes finding his. She thought to argue that, to tell him it was a ridiculous idea … but when their gazes met again, she found in his something unexpected. He might not be a believer either, but that didn’t change the fact he clearly was hoping for it. For something. Blinking, she whispered, “Why?”

His smile deepened and reached his eyes. “Because I care about you,” he replied simply. “Does it have to be more complicated than that?”

~ n ~

The night air was chilly, but Jane was bundled up in her heavy coat as she walked alongside John, her arm looped through his to keep from slipping and falling on the snow and ice. The skies above were dark but clear, and she stared up at them, entranced by the twinkling of the stars. Silence hung quietly between them, but it was a comfortable one, and John, she noted as she periodically darted looks up at him, seemed at ease. That was something, at least.

As for herself, for the first time in longer than she could recall, she felt a sense of peace wrapped around her, almost like a blanket. She hadn’t known what to expect upon going to the service, but coming out of it now, if John asked, she would readily admit it seemed to have … helped. Whether that ‘help’ was temporary or permanent, she had no idea, but it was a stark contrast to prior Christmases. 

“Thank you,” she murmured after a while, tightening her arm around his as they continued to walk.

His head lowered a fraction as he glanced down at her. “For what?”

Meeting his gaze, she smiled. “For that. For helping. For caring enough …”

He pulled his arm free of hers and moved it around her shoulder. As she adjusted her steps to his and slipped her arm around his waist, he replied simply, “You’re my best friend.”

Leaning against him, Jane’s smile widened. “And you are mine.” A soft sigh escaped her lips as she returned her gaze to the path before them. A moment later, the reality of their situation hit her fully in the face. Grimacing, she admitted, “And … I still need to get you a gift.”

John chuckled and squeezed her shoulder. “I’d say I just got it back there.”

Wrinkling her nose up at him, she used her inside arm to poke him gently in the stomach. “Okay, now _that_ is corny,” she told him.

Snorting softly, he countered, “It doesn’t make it any less true. Seeing you smile this year? Best. Gift. Ever.” 

Jane stopped walking, turning to stare up at him in suspicion. “John, you aren’t going to propose to me again, are you?” He’d already tried twice in the past year.

He affected an over-dramatic grimace of pain, releasing his hold on her and bringing his hand to cover his heart. “Ouch!”

Rolling her eyes, she shook her head. “You are a menace!” 

From one moment to the next, the grimace shifted to a wicked grin as he leaned over and scooped up a handful of snow. “You always say that.”

“It’s true!” Too late, she caught the movement. Eyes widening in understanding, she turned and started to run ahead of him. “Don’t you dare!” she squeaked, carefully dodging around a patch of ice. The snowball smacked her with force right between the shoulder blades. It stung a little, but that was about the worst of the damage done.

“You know,” he called to her as he reached for more ammunition, “being groundside has its advantages. Can you imagine the consequences if we’d tried to have a snowball fight on the _Einstein_?”

Ignoring his observation and exercising extreme, if stealthy, caution, Jane executed a controlled slide which landed her off to the side of the path in the snow on her back. John’s footsteps approached in a cautious but hurried rush, and she blinked up at him as he dropped to a knee beside her. “Are you alright?” he asked, his breath leaving his lungs in visible puffs in the cold air. Concern creased his features, and in the depths of his blue gaze she saw fear.

Jane continued to blink up at him as if dazed, her breathing slightly labored, but even as she did so, both hands slowly and carefully formed snowballs of her own. “I …”

Reaching out, John ran his hands over her from head to toe checking for injuries.

It was the distraction she needed. “John?”

He glanced back at her face just as she brought both handfuls of snow up to smack against each side of his neck. A look of complete astonishment crossed over his face, and Jane giggled, managing to murmur, “Merry Christmas.”

His initial reaction was to shiver from the cold as the snow melted and trickled down beneath the collar of his coat, but he soon followed it with a laugh. Offering his hand, he helped her to her feet and wrapped an arm around her again. As he started leading her back in the direction of their barracks, he replied with the same amount of merriment in his tone, “Merry Christmas.”


	5. On the Fifth Day ...

_Colorado, Earth 2173_

Walking through the back door and out onto the balcony, John found Jane standing at the railing, staring out at the mountains beyond. “Are you _ever_ going to come back inside?” he teased as he joined her and handed over a steaming mug of hot chocolate.

Eyes wide with wonder, Jane accepted the drink and took a careful sip. “Mmmm. Almost as good as yours,” she said off-handedly, but her full attention was on the scene around them.

He grinned. “Where do you think I learned how to make it?” 

She chuckled softly. “Why did your mother never make this when we were on the _Einstein_?”

“Harder to get the ingredients. At least, that’s what she used to tell me.” Leaning against the rail, his gaze following hers, he asked, “What’s caught your interest out there?”

A hint of pink at her cheeks, Jane laughed softly and dropped her eyes for a moment before using her shoulder to nudge his in a not so subtle movement. “Aside from London, I don’t have many memories living planet-side,” she reminded him, “and certainly none in such a beautiful place as this.” She used her free hand to gesture toward the trees just a short distance away. “Everything here is so … peaceful.” She sighed, happily, and leaned her head against his arm. “It’s so different.”

John shifted his gaze from watching her to staring back out at the scenery and trying to see it from her perspective. He’d grown up on ships for most of his life, too, but this place had always been a second home for his parents. A place to come back and recharge whenever they got a break from service with the Alliance. “Huh. I figured you the type for warmth and sun and beaches,” he admitted.

Jane snorted softly. “Really, John?” She tilted her head up toward him and pointed at the splash of freckles across her nose and cheeks. “Sunburn’s a real thing, you know?”

Grinning, he leaned over to ghost a quick kiss on the freckled skin. “Yeah, but it gives you character,” he teased in return. 

“As if I need it!” Sighing, she sipped again from her mug. “So, what’s on the agenda? I somehow doubt your parents will let me stand out here the entire four days we’re here.”

“You might get a bit chilly after dark,” he reasoned with a laugh. “Mom’s making dinner as we speak. She’s got Dad pulling out the tree and ornaments.”

A small, pleased smile curved at Jane’s lips. She and her mother used to have a small, tabletop Christmas tree they would put up each year, but it hadn’t been big enough to ‘decorate’ like most people did. “You’ll have to show me how, you know.”

John carefully turned to lean his hips back against the rail. This way, he had a better look at her. “Oh, don’t worry about that. Dad’s already formed his battle strategy.” When she darted a quick, concerned look up at him, he grinned. “Decorating the tree is an art form,” he insisted, “and Dad’s one of the best there is.” 

Jane straightened. “I love your Dad to pieces, you know that,” she groaned, “but why am I suddenly afraid?”

Chuckling, his grin remained in place. “Because it’ll be an adventure?”

A scowl started to form, and Jane was ready to counter his comment until something cold hit her cheek. Startled, she looked upward. Another droplet of cold caught her just at the corner of her eye, and she shut them quickly with a soft yelp. When she opened them again, the skies finally came into better focus … and she saw the snow starting to fall …

John was startled by the transformation that came over her then. “What are you doing?” he asked, half laughing as he watched her close her eyes again, open her mouth and stick out her tongue. She still held her mug, but he nearly reached over to grab it when she jumped and the hot chocolate sloshed dangerously close to the rim.

“I want to see what it tastes like!”

“Tastes like?” Another chortle escaped, his shoulders shaking with his amusement. “What are you talking about?”

Her eyes opened and found his as she caught another flake on her tongue. “The snow. I’ve never seen snow before … not like this, anyway.” She darted her tongue out and caught a couple more flakes. While she’d seen snow in London and when they attended OCS, there was a huge difference. Out here, among the last of the wilds on Earth, it felt less contaminated, less dirty somehow. “It always looks like sugar dust in the pictures, don’t you think?”

“Sugar dust?” He couldn’t believe this was the practical, Alliance soldier he knew so well. “You’re crazy, you know that?”

She caught another flake on her tongue and turned to stick her tongue out at him in a playful manner. “I’m imaginative,” she corrected. “How else do you think you were such a successful storyteller when we were kids? I gave your adventures the spice and life they needed to carry us through.” She caught a few more flakes before turning back to him again. “Mmm, Christmas snow tastes the best!”

Reaching over, he ruffled her hair in an affectionate gesture. “You just said this was your first snowfall,” he argued. “How can you judge?”

Jane ducked out of his reach, but grinned up at him. “Have _you_ ever tried it?”

~ n ~

Thomas Shepard paused near the back door, staring out at his son and Jane. Frowning, he asked his wife, “What are they doing?”

Hannah handed him a mug of hot chocolate as she spotted the pair. With a laugh, she grinned at her husband. “God only knows,” she replied as she reached for the door, “but it looks like fun, don’t you think …?”


	6. On the Sixth Day ...

_Arcturus Station, 2176_

Jane quietly entered the apartment and dropped her kit into the closet near the front door. She could worry about sorting through it all later; right now, she had other things in mind. More important things. The past year had been incredibly busy. John was nearing the end of his N7 training, she was still in the early stages of her own; but more importantly, they were together this year, both in person and in name.

John was already home; she knew that for a fact, having received his message while in mid-transit. Ducking into the kitchen, she didn’t find him there. Moving out into the main room, she noticed the lights were off, so he wasn’t there, either. Slowly, methodically, she checked the remaining rooms of the flat as she progressed. It wasn’t until she reached the bedroom – _their_ room – and found the door cracked, just a hint of light spilling onto the floor from the hall into the otherwise darkened room, that she understood. Carefully slipping inside, she returned the door to the crack it had been prior to her arrival then tiptoed over to the bed. 

Taking a knee at the side of the bed, she reached out to slide her smaller hand into his larger one splayed over his chest as he slept. She squeezed gently, reassuringly, while a grin formed at her lips. In less time than it took to blink, he opened his eyes, growled, and wrapped both arms around her, rolling them both over until she lay on the bed beneath him. Jane bit back most of a yelp, amusement more than anything, though a soft sound did escape. With a laugh as she looked up into his eyes, she smiled and murmured, “Howdy there, handsome! Merry Christmas!”

He grunted in reply just before capturing her lips with his in a kiss as fiery as any she could ever recall. He knew her well now, understood the ways to work her up quickly, to leave her begging for him, his touch, and more. Squirming, Jane managed to pull her arms free to wrap around his neck and shoulders, returning the kiss with fervor. When they finally broke apart minutes later, both gasping for breath, she grinned. “I’m happy to see you, too!”

“Jane?”

His breath fanned across her face as he spoke with a hint of confusion. Jane chuckled softly, running her hand down his cheek in a gentle caress. “Is there someone else you share your name with, husband?” she teased. “Or greet with such enthusiasm? Of course, it’s me!”

He blinked twice, and by the time he finished, she saw clarity in his eyes, even in the dimly lit room. “You made it home in time for Christmas.”

She lifted her head and ghosted a quick kiss across his lips and traced her fingers from his temples down along his jaw until they met at his chin. “That I did, soldier. Wanna celebrate?”

John rolled off her, but pulled her along with him until he was lying on his back and she across his chest. “What did you have in mind?” His voice was still rough, but this time held more clarity.

“Well, I have four days before I have to report back to Rio,” she explained. “I can think of a thing or two we can do to celebrate the holidays between now and then.”

His soft chuckle of amusement was a balm to her exhausted state of mind. ICT was rough; it was a fact he was well aware of, too. For now, she simply reveled in his embrace and the soothing he brought with it. “I can think of a few ways to celebrate as well,” he assured her. He sat up slowly, holding her tightly against his chest as he did so. Once upright, he reached over to the nightstand drawer. “But first, your present.”

Jane sighed softly. “Are we going to have to go through this again?” she asked. “We said we weren’t going to get one another –.”

“I never promised that,” he countered. A moment later, he set a small wrapped package into her hand. “Besides, this isn’t really all that much of a gift. Not when you earned it yourself.”

Jane sat back and stared down at the gift, curiosity getting the better of her. He knew it, too, as he reached over to turn the light on when she started to pull at the wrapping. It only took a few moments to undo it all, and in the end she sighed again. “John …”

“It needed a proper display case,” he said as he watched her face closely, “not a hiding spot in the back of your desk drawer.”

She chewed on her lower lip, pulling it between her teeth even as she threw her arms around his neck and hugged him. “Thank you, you dope,” she murmured. When she released him, she reached over to open the nightstand drawer again and dropped it back inside before shutting it.

“Aw, don’t you like it?”

“Of course, I like that you went to all that trouble,” she hurriedly assured him. “But that doesn’t change the fact it’s my damned _Star of Terra_ , and I detest all the attention that came with it.” She huffed softly and stared at his face through a few loose wisps of hair. “I’d rather we just had our honeymoon to remember.”

“That’s fixable,” he promised, a wicked gleam sparking in his eyes in a suggestive manner. “In the meantime, this will have to do.”

Jane groaned as his lips found the sensitive spot where her neck met her shoulder. “Besides,” she gasped when she could draw enough air in to speak, “I didn’t get you anything this year!”

His laughter this time was full of promise. “That remains to be seen …”


	7. On the Seventh Day ...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last posting of 2019!

_Arcturus Station, 2177_

Jane arrived home for the holidays first this time. Both she and John each had a week’s leave together, part of which they would spend on Earth in Colorado with his parents, but the first few days were planned together at their apartment on Arcturus. 

Since she was the first to arrive home, the ordeal of ‘decorating’ fell upon her. As a rule, they didn’t often do much; just a few small things that were generally festive and didn’t matter if they remained up for weeks after the holiday was over. Mission schedules could be iffy at the best of times, after all. 

She started with a small artificial tree displayed upon the desk in the front room. It was the easiest to put into place, and with just a few simple touches, flickered brightly with its many multi-colored lights. It was large enough to give the space a festive look, but it left very little room for actual presents beneath it. That, however, didn’t matter. This year, Jane managed to find inspiration, and she carefully wedged the small rolled paper tied with a red and green ribbon between three of the branches. 

As usual, they’d agreed – and Jane made _certain_ to get his agreement this time – not to get each other gifts. Of course, that was _before,_ and seeing as there wasn’t anything she could do about it now, she was taking the opportunity to tease him back for the several years he’d gone against her wishes. Besides, this wasn’t a gift just for him, in the long run, and he’d had a part in it as well. 

A quick glance at the chronometer informed her she still had several hours grace before his arrival, and she was determined to make the most of it. She hung a small festive wreath to the wall just inside the front door, and started a track of Christmas songs on the music system. At that point, she turned her attention to food. The makings for his galaxy-famous hot chocolate aside, she had a couple of dishes in mind were intended to keep well in case his flight was late returning. Extraction missions didn’t always go according to plan, she knew that from personal experience.

Finally satisfied all was best as it could be, Jane retreated to their room to prepare. A quick shower, a change into civilian clothing instead of her fatigues, and she was right as rain. Now all she had to do was wait.

~ n ~

Exhaustion stalked John causing him to stumble as he exited the shuttle, but he managed a smile, a wave of his hand and holiday greetings to the crew who had brought him home safely. It was only a fifteen-minute walk to the apartment he and Jane shared from the docks, and during that time he found opportunity to wake himself up. A quick stop at one of the shops along the way to grab a few flowers for her helped, too. Jane wasn’t overly frivolous, but she did like little touches now and then, and he’d discovered her weakness for flowers some years back. Best of all, it technically wasn’t even a ‘Christmas gift,’ and should she argue differently, he was prepared to vehemently challenge that assessment. 

Arriving at the flat, he entered to the soft strains of Christmas carols playing, the flashing of colorful lights in the front room, and delicious aroma of a home cooked meal wafting through the air. He groaned softly, unable to help himself, then heard a muffled laugh in response. Dropping his kit at the closet, he followed the smells into the kitchen … only to stop dead in his tracks. 

“Jane?” He choked over her name as shock stole through him. There his wife stood, dressed in a slinky dark green dress that matched her eyes well. Bright eyed and with a wide smile, she faced him. 

“Hello, handsome,” she murmured, walking over and pushing up on her toes to kiss him. Her fingers found the new mark on his upper left cheek, and he spotted a brief moment of worry as it flickered through her eyes, but otherwise she said nothing about the new mark. _Occupational hazard._ She, if anyone, would understand.

Dropping his gaze to take in the rest of her, he returned to her face with a questioning look. “Did I miss a memo or something?” he asked. “I don’t recall you suggesting we dress up for the holidays.”

She chuckled and pushed lightly at his chest. “Just felt like it,” she assured him. Then with a coy wink over her shoulder as she turned back to the oven, “I highly doubt it will last beyond dinner, anyway.”

Huffing in agreement, he walked over and dug a glass out of the cabinet. Filling it with water, he set the small bouquet inside and placed it nearby on the counter so she could see it. He nearly laughed when her eyes were drawn to it immediately. Her reaction was what he expected, too; a quick, accusatory look up at him before the realization that it was something simple and beautiful that she enjoyed anyway, holiday or not. As her expression softened, an easy grin worked its way across his lips. _Chalk one up for the good guys._

But then she surprised him. “Thank you.” Leaning over, she kissed his cheek, murmuring, “Your gift is in the tree.”

He frowned at her, startled by her announcement. “But you said –.”

A small, knowing smile formed at her lips. Nudging his shoulders, she chided, “Just go look. I’ll get the food on the table.”

He watched her closely as this was more than a little odd behavior for her, but ultimately, he followed her suggestion. He found his way into the front room, though it took a few minutes before he spotted the only thing in the tree that Jane could have referenced. He gently tugged the paper free, pausing only briefly to glance back at the kitchen where she hummed softly while busily chopping vegetables for a salad, seemingly oblivious to him or his reaction. Returning his attention to the item in his hands, he eased the ribbon off, unfurling the page as he read.

_John,_

_I know we said no presents this year, but just remember you had a hand in this as much as I did!_

_Pigtails due in August. Red or brown, they’re sure to be cute. Just remember who gets to tell the stories!_

_Jane_

It took a long minute for the full impact of the words to register in his head, at which point he inhaled sharply, shut his eyes and fought back an unexpected wave of emotion as he attempted to think clearly. _When? How? What –?_

“You okay there, soldier?”

There was a hint of concern in the question as his eyes popped back open; he hadn’t heard her walk into the room at all. A quick search of her face as he turned toward her only added to that. Truth be told, a flutter of nerves burst to life in his own belly just then. _I know we said we wanted this, but … are we up to the challenge?_

The moment passed quickly, and as an eerie sense of calm replaces the nerves, he reached out and pulled her close. With one hand at her waist, he moved the other to cradle her cheek as he stared down into her green eyes, breathing in astonishment, “You’re absolutely certain?”

She nodded slowly but firmly. “Doc says I’ll be pulled from active duty sometime in the next month or two.” 

There was disappointment in her tone, but it was evened out by wonder as well. As difficult as an extended leave of absence might be for her, he knew for a fact she wanted children as much as he did. 

He lowered his hand and slid his arm around her shoulders, bringing her into a close hug. “I – I don’t know what to say!” he admitted, planting a gentle kiss to her forehead.

Jane laughed and hugged him back, her smile widening. “You just said all you needed to,” she assured him. “Merry Christmas.”

Still flabbergasted, he kept his arms around her, carefully and gently rocking the both of them back and forth together for a few minutes. “Merry Christmas, indeed!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the delay in posting today as I've been under the weather for most of a week now with a very bad cold. Hoping to turn the corner here soon which should result in posting earlier in the day.


	8. On the Eighth Day ...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year! I hope you all have a lovely 2020!!!

_Rocky Mountains, Colorado, Earth 2181_

The main room of the mountain cabin was mostly dark; the sun set hours before, yet neither John nor Jane wanted to move to turn on lights. The only luminance, barely enough to see the most basic shapes in the room, came from the flickers of light from the tree. It was enough for now.

Seated on the floor, his back pressed against the wall, John cradled his wife in his arms on his lap. Distance could be measured in many ways, and the greatest between them this past year had been measured not in miles, but in grief and pain. Not even the mission taking him to the deepest parts of the Terminus Systems could compare to the walls created between them this past year.

For her part, Jane sat with her arms wrapped tightly around his neck, refusing to let go. Days and months of inadequacy took a toll on their relationship far greater than she could ever have imagined. The scariest part of it was she hadn’t even seen the spiral downward as it began; one minute everything between them was normal, if filled with grief and pain, and the next both found themselves in some of the deepest, darkest pits that ever existed. To this day, she wasn’t certain who took the first step; not that it mattered much. It was one thing between them that wasn’t a competition.

But now, all these weeks and months later, a bridge back was had finally been forged.

Their current position on the floor was awkward and uncomfortable, but both, if asked, would agree it was preferable. Each still suffered from an ache that would likely never completely go away; the most important thing in that moment was that neither had to suffer alone any longer. 

Time lost all meaning for them as the skies outside the cabin darkened, only the light from the moon and stars above filtered hazily in through the windows. But eventually, something had to give. Jane shifted slightly in John’s arms, nuzzling closer to him. His arms banded tightly around her out of protective instinct. The shift in the mood was nearly tangible in the air around them.

Her voice, a barely audible whisper, murmured against his neck, “John?”

Unwilling to release her or even move to look down at her face, he replied in his usual deep rumble, “Right here.”

Her lips curved against his skin and he knew she smiled. Her breath fanned across his skin in small puffs of warmth and all he could do in response was close his eyes tightly in thanksgiving. It took a moment to realize she’d spoken again, but the words were clear enough. “Merry Christmas.”

Groaning and unable or unwilling to hide from her any longer, he tilted his head so he could look deeply into her eyes. She must have expected it, because she shifted just enough to tilt her head up toward him. After nearly a year of pain, anguish and fear that he’d lost her, that their marriage was no longer salvageable, he spotted in her green depths the faintest strains of hope. Leaning toward her, he pressed a gentle kiss to her lips. “You are the best present I have ever wanted and could have hoped for this year,” he told her with all honesty. He noticed a flash of doubt in her eyes, and gently squeezing her waist he hurriedly added, “I mean it, Jane. I …”

She wiggled her hand free of his and lifted it to cover his lips. “Shh.” Returning her head to his shoulder, she sighed. “No more blame or hurt or pain. I … _We_ need to move forward. Together.”

He swallowed tightly and carefully nodded so as not to bump her head with his chin. Even without the intervention staged by his parents and the counselor they’d hired, he could understand that. “Agreed.” 

The tree continued to flicker, the lights dancing in a soothing, peaceful manner. It reminded him of years gone by spent with her and his family. Of the good things that accompanied those times. Of hope that, someway, somehow, their dreams might still come true and be passed along to their children. _Someday_.

Someday, however, was the future. This time, this year, this place, was for healing. For rebuilding what they once had and letting the past find its rightful place. Taking her hand in his, John laced their fingers together while pressing his lips to the top of her head. “I still say I came out on top this Christmas.”

A soft huff of air escaped her lips as she laughed. She ducked her head slightly as she did so, but quickly insisted, “The day is still young ….” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I fully intend to explore this part of John and Jane's relationship in further depth as there are some key elements that play into their relationship that follows, but that will be a separate work.


	9. On the Ninth Day

_Arcturus Station, 2182_

Disappointment was something akin to an old friend in Jane’s life. Not that every moment of every day fit that category; far from it, in fact. But, when it came to finding opportunities to spend time with her husband over the years, more times than not the results were just that; disappointing. Sure, they’d been lucky earlier on in their marriage before ICT took over their lives and they learned that being ‘on call’ for N7 missions meant _any_ time, planned leave be damned. Occasionally, they’d managed to share a few days together over the holidays, both as a couple and as a part of a larger family unit that included his parents. But something longer? That never seemed to be in the cards for them. As words went, ‘frustration’ didn’t even come close to describing Jane’s reaction, and this year wouldn’t be much different from any other. 

However, that didn’t mean she wasn’t determined to make the most of the next few hours as she possibly could …

~ n ~

Bars were bars the galaxy over, for the most part, and though familiar enough, the one on Arcturus favored by so many Alliance soldiers passing through the station could easily have been exchanged for one on Omega or Illium or even the Citadel. Dimly lit interior, cheesy holiday music playing in the background, the low rumble of voices vibrating through the air just loud enough to be heard by those closest but not to the crowd as a whole, the _Crow’s Nest_ stopped just short of being seedy while maintaining the requisite atmosphere the clientele expected.

This evening’s crowd was just as busy as usual, which really came as no surprise; no soldier liked to be alone over the holidays. Full almost beyond the point of capacity, the _Crow’s Nest_ was packed with little room to spare, leaving it difficult to tell where the dance floor ended and the bar began. Finding a table or a booth was nearly impossible, and the few seats that opened up periodically at the bar quickly became premium seating.

Jane arrived late enough to miss out on the tables but early enough to grab one of the stools at the bar, and over a tall glass of seltzer with a lemon twist, she sat alone. A few people tried to gain her attention, but instead of replying, she twisted her stir stick, flicking ice cubes around the glass and staring at the bubbles that rose in response as if they were the most interesting thing in the room.

“Excuse me, is this seat taken?”

She froze when the voice drifted across her, but she kept her eyes on her drink. Slowly, she inhaled, attempting to sort out the different scents that assailed her. Beyond the lemon in her drink and the stale, sweet odor of alcohol and sweat that permeated the room, she managed to find it; that hint of spice and woodsy outdoors that never seemed to disappear. A small smile curved at her lips as she turned around in her seat to face him. Eyes rising, a small smirk playing on her lips, she met what she knew to be a medium blue despite the dim interior of the bar and replied, “Is this really where you’d like to spend the next few hours, soldier?”

A spark of interest flared behind his eyes even as his smile matched hers. Moving aside to give her room, he slipped an arm around her waist as soon as she stood beside him, drink forgotten. His agreement was immediate. “I would prefer someplace quieter.”

With a sly, coy look, Jane nodded. “I know just the place.”

Fifteen minutes later, the door to the flat closed and secured behind them, Jane all but dragged him into the bedroom, tearing at his clothing as she did so. 

As eager as she was, John’s hands worked the buttons on her uniform, quickly opening to present the bare skin beneath. The weeks and months apart disappeared in mere heartbeats as each fought desperately to touch the other. Soft groans filled the air as they rediscovered one another in those moments, until finally uniting in shouts of satisfaction that escaped past lips tangled together, eventually fading to blend in with the soft hiss and whir of the air recycling system.

Once he caught his breath, John shifted his weight to his arms, elevating himself over his wife as he stared down at her. He chuckled softly, leaning up toward her face to press a quick kiss to the tip of her nose. “Missed you,” he murmured just before rolling over to lie beside her. He slid an arm beneath her, gently urging her closer to him.

Sighing in contentment, Jane settled into the crook of his arm replying, “Mmm. Missed you, too.” 

They lay there in silence for several minutes, each to their own thoughts, before Jane rose partway so she could lean across his chest. She folded her arms across the broad expanse and rested her chin upon them while settling her gaze, but otherwise remained silent.

But John could read his wife like a book at times, and this was no exception. Using his fingers to comb through hair that barely reached her chin these days, he asked, “What is it?”

She flinched slightly, but not away from his touch. “Am I that easy to read?”

“To me you are.” His hand trailed out of her hair and down to caress her shoulder. “Something I can help with?”

With a sigh, she shook her head. “I just … I wish we had more than twenty-four hours this time,” she replied. “That’s all.”

His sigh was soft and filled with understanding. Barely a year removed from the most challenging time of their marriage, they understood they needed time together to cement the changes they’d agreed to and put into place the previous year. “I do, too, baby,” he murmured. “But it looks as if it might be a while longer before we can.”

Jane’s gaze narrowed. “What? Why?” she demanded, her voice sharp with disappointment. When he didn’t reply right away, she groaned. She’d been a soldier long enough to put pieces together without having all the clues. “You’ve been reassigned, haven’t you?”

He nodded. “I report to the _Cairo_ on the first,” he explained.

Startled, she blinked at him. “The _Cairo_? John, you’re N7! You’re supposed to be on call!” 

He hesitated before responding, guessing what he was about to say wouldn’t sit well with her either, based on that reaction. “We’re being sent out to the Attican Beta for ten months, and –.”

“What?!” She bolted upward, eyes wide, anger sparking in her green eyes. 

Sighing, he followed her, settling his hands at her waist and pulling her close. “It won’t be like before.”

“Not like before?” Jane shook her head back and forth. “You’re going to be out patrolling pirate and slaver infested space! What the hell is safe about that situation?”

He was tempted to point out that ‘safe’ and ‘not the same as before’ didn’t mean the same thing, but he didn’t want to spend the little time they had arguing. “Look, Command wants an N7 on board to keep the past from repeating itself. That’s all I meant.” He sighed when she tried to pull away from him, but he didn’t stop her. In the end, she didn’t go too far, but he felt a chill claim the space where she’d been just moments before. “Jane, you know they’re trying to keep the past from repeating itself. That’s what we do!”

It was an argument that wasn’t lost on her, but that didn’t mean she had to like it. Pushing herself to sit with her back against the headboard, she folded her arms across her chest in a belligerent stance. _Would things have been different for Mom if an N7 had been on board the_ Einstein _at the time?_ It was a question that had poked at her for years now as she took up the leadership role. N7s made a difference, she knew that for a fact; had been there, done that, proven it beyond a doubt. At the time of her mother’s death, there hadn’t been a policy of having an N7 aboard deployed ships. _Will it really make that much of a difference?_

Easing himself closer to his wife, John simply reached out his hand to hold hers if she wanted to take it. He let his rest on her leg, the decision hers to make, but when she finally relented and dropped her hand into his, he couldn’t hide a wave of relief that rushed through him. 

Jane wasn’t oblivious to this, either. “Ten months?”

He nodded and half turned to face her. “We’ll still be in touch,” he promised. “And I’ll try to get you word ahead of time when we’re about to put in for shore leave. Maybe we could meet up at, say –.”

Moving quickly, she reached over to silence him with her fingers over his lips. “Don’t say it,” she pleaded in a whisper, a half-laugh twinkling in her eyes. “You know how shore leaves go for us!”

Now assured she was in a slightly better frame of mind, and he leaned over to kiss her; gentle at first, but gradually building. “Then we’ll call it something else,” he promised, “but we’ll find a way to be together …”


	10. On the Tenth Day ...

_The Citadel, 2183_

He awoke with a start, breathless and pain lancing through his. Bolting upwards, he gasped for air while staring into the darkness surrounding him. No one else was present. He was alone.

_Alone…._

John grimaced and ran a hand over his eyes, in the process swiping the few tears leaking out one corner. A mixture of emotions forced him out of bed, through the door, and stumbling down the short hallway into the main room of the flat. It wasn’t quite as dark here, and the flickering colors bouncing off the Christmas tree did nothing to ease the pain. Not for the first time in the past week or so, he wondered if he shouldn’t have taken his parents up on the offer to spend his first Christmas holiday as a widow back at the cabin in Colorado. 

The soft scuffle of bared feet on the tiled floor alerted John someone was coming. He sighed softly, uncertain if company was what he needed just then, but then it was too late. “Shepard?”

His back to his friend, John’s eyes closed. He focused on taking steady, even breaths until he could speak without his voice cracking. “I’m … I’m good.”

The steps slowly moved closer, but by this point, John was beyond caring. He took a few more steps forward into the room, stopping only when he stood next to the tree – a middle-sized artificial one that used the coffee table as its stand, but a tree nonetheless. Alenko put it up two weeks before. John might have protested but for two reasons: it was Alenko’s apartment and he could do what he wanted with it, and John knew there was no way he could avoid the holiday. It would arrive, one way or another, with or without his permission.

Staring at the tree, he didn’t stir again until a gentle bump at his arm caught his attention. Glancing to his left, he found Alenko standing there, two glasses in hand, one of which he passed over. John took it without thinking. “What … what is this?”

Around a yawn, Alenko smiled. “Eggnog,” he replied. “It’s Christmas, remember?”

John stared at the milky substance speckled with cinnamon and nutmeg in his glass and tried to suppress a shudder. He knew he failed when Alenko chuckled. “Haven’t you ever had any?”

Shaking his head, John lifted the glass to his lips and ventured a small taste. He ran his tongue over his lips a moment later. “We’re more of a hot chocolate type of family,” he explained. His eyes narrowed in on the liquid with greater appreciation as the taste and warmth tickled his taste buds. “Interesting flavor.”

Alenko nodded. “Old family recipe,” he replied. “One that wouldn’t be complete without the rum.”

The second sip, John felt the warmth of the alcohol as it moved throughout his body. Then a third. It certainly took his mind off his most immediate concerns, and in its place calmness, if somewhat bitter still, took over. 

“Mom always said it wasn’t Christmas without the eggnog.” 

_Or your wife,_ a voice in the back of John’s head pointed out darkly. Surprisingly, the drink, or its effects, managed to chase away the voice for the moment as he finished the glass. Giving Alenko an appreciative nod, his eyes focused on the tree lights, he said, “Well, you can thank her for me.” The warmth now reached throughout his tall frame and chased quickly by a hint of a buzz. It reminded him of holidays spent with Jane … but this time, the ache didn’t hurt quite so badly. “It certainly is different.” _Everything from here forward will be different._ As presents went, the realization wasn’t much of a gift, but he knew it was a step toward acceptance …


	11. On the Eleventh Day ...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just after posting the previous chapter, I discovered that what I'd written for this one was completely off the ShepShep timeline. After a brief panic attack, I finally came up with a much more suitable replacement. However, I am posting this now because i'm going to be incredibly busy all day Saturday. As such, I haven't been able to edit it as much as I usually would. (in fact, I just completed it about two minutes ago!) I apologize for any grammatical errors that may exist! Enjoy!

_Citadel 2184_

Christmas on the Citadel was a unique experience. The majority of festive flavor for the holiday appeared only in those areas either where the human populations lived or worked. That wasn’t to say other species didn’t recognize the day; the markets were filled with decorations and carols could be heard from one store to the next. It was impossible to miss, as John discovered the previous year.

This time around, however, it was a little easier to accept, or at the very least, handle. Time passed. Wounds, while still tender, healed. New experiences – _people_ – filled the empty spaces. What guided him mostly this year was the hope that brought.

Sitting on the sofa in Alenko’s apartment, John stared at the tree – larger than the year before; large enough it stood on the floor and had several wrapped presents beneath it, all with his name on them. He was alone, but it was an easier time this year. Alenko had traveled back to Earth to visit with his parents for a few days, complete with Shepard’s galaxy-famous hot chocolate recipe in hand to trade for Mrs. Alenko’s eggnog recipe. 

Williams, too, was off with her sisters and mother. She’d made her plans long before she and John started dating, after all. When she started to suggest she back out, he’d refused, insisting she go and enjoy herself and make what memories she could while the opportunity presented itself. Though he never said it aloud, he could see by the expression in her eyes that she understood the silent, _while you have the time to do so._

Anderson was busy as ever, though much of it was simple Council business and not the social expectations that came along with the job. John had to agree after seeing it first hand over the past two holiday seasons, Udina was much better in that regard. Still, the councilor had found a few minutes to meet for a drink at the end of the day and had wished John a happy holiday as they parted ways.

Tossing back the last of his beer, John set the bottle on the coffee table and rose to his feet. He crossed over to the tree and eyed several of the decorations. Most were Alenko’s, but John had found a few tucked away in storage, and though they contained memories that still left an ache, he was more assured of the need to share them this year. The small replica of a gingerbread cabin with snow on the roof that his parents had given him and Jane on their first Christmas together. Another, made of gold-plated steel and displaying the N7 logo and colors; a tribute to both Shepards and their official designations. A tiny snow globe containing another wintry mountain scene with a cabin, snow and a couple of deer standing nearby. 

But in addition, there was a new one. This one a flat disc of steel, burnished until it shone, in the shape of a papered scroll. Upon it, words in tiny print that were difficult to read without magnification, but John didn’t need to see them. 

_“So, I wanted to give you a little something,” Ashley said as she chewed her lower lip worriedly._

_John frowned. “You got me a present?”_

_Heat stained her cheeks as she ducked her head, but she nodded. “We didn’t say anything, one way or the other,” she pointed out, “and when I saw it, I knew I had to get it.” She pulled the small wrapped box from a pocket in her bag and handed it over to him. Then glancing up, she added, “Go ahead and open it. I want to see your reaction.”_

_John sighed heavily, but accepted the gift. “I didn’t get you anything –.”_

_She laughed. “You don’t need to – this one is for us both.”_

_After a couple of minutes struggling with the taped paper and deciding that Williams was just as deadly with wrapping paper and tape as she was with a weapon, he finally managed to open it. Lifting the lid to the box, he found the ornament lying inside._

_“It’s a Christmas poem,” she explained in a rush, “one my Dad liked to recite to us all every year as a reminder what the holidays are about.”_

_John squinted, barely making out the name of the poem at the top of the scroll._ Ring Out, Wild Bells _. “Which poet?”_

_“Tennyson.”_

_John swallowed past a tightness in his throat. Jane had liked Tennyson, too._

_Moving around so she could look at it with him, Ashley used a finger to point at one particular stanza. “_ Ring out the grief that saps the mind, for those that here we see no more,” _she read._

_John winced. “Jane?”_

_Ashley nodded. “And my Dad,” she admitted._

_Taking a deep breath, he nodded. Closing the box, he gave her a quick hug and pressed a kiss to her cheek. “Thanks. I’ll hang it on the tree when I get back to the apartment.”_

Shortly afterward, Williams had hopped aboard her shuttle and headed off to see her family. He’d kept his promise, though, after looking up the entire poem on the Extranet so he could read it. _Out with the old, in with the new, as the saying goes._

As he stood there now, he ran his finger along the edge of it and smiled. Last year had been difficult. This year was a bit easier. Next year? He could only hope that things would be back to whatever his new ‘normal’ might be. Something he could look forward to and hope for. 

Retreating from the tree, he grabbed his empty beer bottle, disposing of it in the kitchen, and walked toward his room, softly humming, _We Wish You A Merry Christmas._ Yes, next year had great potential…


	12. On the Twelfth Day ...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did NOT forget! The muses were rather persnickety with this chapter, and it took forever to get one written that I was satisfied with - but I made it in time (with an hour to spare!)! Happy Twelve Days of Christmas, everyone!

_Vancouver, Earth 2185_

“Here you go, commander. Christmas dinner with all the trimmings.”

Jane turned from the window view out over Vancouver to see Vega entering her rooms, hands secured around a tray of food. One of her eyebrows arched as she noticed the contents and the quantity provided. “Just how hungry do you think I am?” she asked, walking over.

Vega grinned. “Oh, I figured we could share the meal. I mean, no one should spend Christmas alone, right?”

 _Alone_. Jane had been fighting off the wily tendrils of depression since waking that morning. Her first Christmas since returning to life. Her first Christmas without John. Her first Christmas under house arrest … 

“Right,” she managed, offering him a half-smile. She dropped her eyes to stare at the food again … and a soft laugh escaped as additional details came to her attention. “Okay, tell me how this is ‘Christmas dinner with all the trimmings?’”

“Roast beef sandwiches,” he said, pointing at the sandwiches, “with lettuce and tomato. That’s your meat and veggies right there. Chips – okay, not mashed potatoes exactly, but use your imagination.”

Jane nearly choked on a laugh. “Imagination?” she echoed. “Vega, I’m sure there are plenty of people out there who think my return is a figment of their imaginations at this point!”

“All right,” he admitted with a sheepish grin and a chuckle, “I’ll give you that one. Still, you can’t argue the point.”

Huffing softly, she moved forward with the conversation as her gaze trailed over to two hot, steaming mugs. Frown forming, she asked, “What’s in the mugs?” 

“Hot chocolate. And for dessert ...” He lifted a lid off one final plate on the tray containing the sweets. “Christmas cookies.”

Jane stared at the plate he revealed. “That’s not …” There were two types of cookies on the plate, Christmas trees and snowmen. Selecting one of the iced snowmen, nibbled the edge of it. A rush of sweet sugary goodness assaulted her taste buds as a result. Staring up at him, she demanded, “These aren’t from any Alliance mess I’ve ever been in. Where the hell did you get _real_ cookies?”

“Compliments of Admiral Anderson.”

Staring at the cookie in her fingers, her lips curled up slightly and she sighed. _Leave it to Anderson to find a way._ Since her arrival just weeks before, Jane had run into one delay after another as far as her situation was concerned. Increasingly frustrated, Anderson had promised to do all that he could to help. Apparently, that ‘all’ included bakery deliveries for the holidays. _Merry Christmas, Anderson._

Taking a mug in hand, she sipped at the hot chocolate. It wasn’t nearly as good as John’s had been, or even Hannah’s, but it was decent. Added with the cookies, it certainly offered some more festive flavors to their meal. “Roast beef sandwiches, chips, cookies and hot chocolate,” she restated, her lips still twitching a bit. “Well, this is certainly better than I expected.” 

Vega set the tray upon a nearby table with two chairs, and as they sat and started to tuck into the meal, Jane asked, “So, what would you normally do for the holidays, Vega? If you didn’t have to babysit me, I mean.”

Vega shrugged, swallowing a mouthful of his sandwich. “If I could get leave, probably head back and see my _tio_ and cousins,” he replied after a minute. “We usually spend the holidays together if I can get home.”

Jane noticed a fond smile curve at his lips. _Good memories._ “How do you celebrate when you’re together?”

His laughter returned, deep and whole-hearted. “It’s nothing fancy. My uncle has a house on the beach,” he explained. “When my _abuela_ was alive, she’d spend the days leading up to Christmas cooking. These days, my cousins take over. We spend the days eating good food, celebrating family and exchanging gifts.” He downed half of his hot chocolate in one gulp before setting the mug down again. “Pretty much how most people celebrate, I guess. What about you?”

Jane hesitated, her mug halfway to her lips. It was a question she dreaded, but she wasn’t surprised that he turned it back on her. She just wasn’t sure how to reply without sounding pathetic. “That’s hard to explain,” she said after a moment. He glanced over at her and she noticed a worried look flash across his face. Quickly she shook her head. “I mean, my life’s been one of almost constant change throughout the years, I guess you could say. When I was a kid, I celebrated with my parents, but we were usually aboard a ship out in the far reaches of the galaxy. Later, it was usually me and John, sometimes with his parents.” She sighed, her eyes closing as the memories of her visits to the cabin returned. She tried not to focus on any specific memory, but the overall feeling of celebration and festivity whenever they’d been together. “Hot chocolate was _always_ involved,” she added, tossing a half-smile in his direction. “Christmas trees. A few other decorations. You know, the usual stuff. Now?” She shrugged, her head swiveling so she could stare out the windows at the lights of the city in the distance. But as she watched the distant twinkling, her smile faded and she shrugged again. “All things considered,” she said in a quieter, more solemn voice, “this isn’t bad.” 

James said nothing, but Jane could feel his eyes on her. What he was thinking, she had no idea, but her thoughts were on what lay ahead of them. The threat of the Reapers was very real, very present. Whether they came tomorrow, two months from now or next year, she had no doubts they would arrive, and when they did, Christmas was going to be the least of their worries ….


End file.
